


Soviet Practices

by Amerana



Series: Trial and Error [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotions, Flashbacks, Guns, Headcanon, Hydra (Marvel), Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 09:40:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3564953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amerana/pseuds/Amerana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first week after Bucky was released from the hospital, the team discovered a lot of habits that had been engrained in his behaviour by his time with HYDRA</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soviet Practices

After a particularly difficult mission, the Avengers were relaxing in the living room drinking and watching a movie. Bucky, having heard the noise of laughter, had drifted out of his room and was lingering in the doorway. That was one of the habits that they had discovered, that he wouldn’t enter a room if he hadn’t been invited into it.  
  
“Hey, Buck!” Steve said “Come on in, join us!” he invited.  
  
Bucky’s face went blank and he turned around and left.  
  
“Well, that was weird,” Tony said, taking a sip of his scotch. Before long, Bucky had returned, this time walking directly into the room.  
  
Clint was the first to notice the gun in his hand, and he reached for his bow, “Whoa, man,” Clint said, drawing everyone else’s attention to the weapon in Bucky’s hand. As each person noticed, they tensed up, prepared to take action if need be. Unfazed by the body language of everyone in the room, Bucky walked directly up to Steve and handed him the gun before taking a seat on the couch next to him. Everyone gave each other confused glances and Steve turned to Bucky.  
  
“Bucky,” Steve said in the gentle voice that he reserved almost exclusively for Bucky, as well as children, but mostly Bucky, “Why did you do that?” As he talked, Steve passed the gun to Clint who took it and left the room.  
  
“I think the better question is, where did he get the gun,” Tony added in.  
  
“Alright, let’s tackle that one first. Where did you get the gun?” Steve asked.  
  
“What gun?” Bucky asked, looking around in confusion.  
  
“The one that you just handed to me,” Steve explained, still using the same voice.  
  
“I handed you a gun?.” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.  
  
“Yes, you did. Try and think about it, maybe you'll remember,” Steve said.  
  
Bucky thought for a moment, before shaking his head, "I kind of remember," he said, "What did you ask?"  
  
"Where did you find the gun?" Steve repeated. Bucky was agitated by the voice that Steve used, but he wouldn't say anything about it. He was too apprehensive about confrontation.  
  
From Natasha's room," he replied, sounding completely unsure.  
  
All eyes turned to Natasha who just shrugged. She knew that she wasn’t supposed to have weapons in the house, but no one was going to try and stop her from having them.  
  
“Do you remember why you gave me the gun?”  
  
Bucky shook his head, still deep in thought, “I was just supposed to do it,” he replied.  
  
“Let’s break it down to see if you can remember,” Steve said, borrowing a tactic that Bucky’s therapist used to help him remember, “Why did you give it to me specifically?”  
  
Bucky shook his head, “I think because you’re the closest thing I have to a handler,” Bucky replied, still unsure.  
  
“So something made you want to give your handler a gun. Can you think of what it was?” Steve pressed.  
  
“Because you were around me,” Bucky replied.  
  
“Alright, and what about being around you would mean I needed a weapon?”  
  
“I have no idea,” Bucky said, furrowing his eyebrows, “I just know that my handler is supposed to have a weapon whenever they’re around me. If they don’t have one, I get them one or give them mine. It’s more important that they have a weapon than it is for me to have one.”  
  
Steve turned to Natasha, hoping that she would be able to spread some light on the situation. They had relied on her for a lot of information lately, what with her being the only one privy to Soviet practices.  
  
Natasha hesitated, “I shouldn’t say,” she replied.  
  
“Why not?” Bucky asked, only glancing at Natasha briefly. It had taken him this long just to be in the same room as her without having flashbacks, he was still working on talking to her, “I feel more in control if I know why these things happen.”  
  
Natasha looked to Steve for help, an action that Bucky resented. Everyone treated Steve like he was the one in charge of Bucky, because obviously Bucky would never be able to take care of himself. No one seemed to realize that they treated Steve how HYDRA would treat Pierce. Like he was in charge of the asset. Bucky added that to the list of things he would bring up when he was physically able to handle confrontation.  
  
“Maybe it’s better if you don’t know this one,” Steve said, looking back towards Bucky.  
  
“I know what I can handle! I’m not a child, I’m a weap-“ He caught his slip too late and flushed at his mistake, simultaneously irritated and embarrassed. He felt like his mind had deceived him by slipping into his other mindset. “I’m a man,” he corrected quietly.  
  
“Buck,” Steve said, giving Bucky a pitying look.  
  
“Don’t give me that look,” Bucky said coldly, abruptly getting out of his seat, “I'll see you later.”  
  
Steve moved to follow him out of the room, but Natasha stopped him, “Give him a minute,” she said, “It was just a slip, it probably didn’t mean anything.”  
  
Steve sighed and sat back down, “What were you going to tell us, about the thing with the gun?” he asked out of curiosity.  
  
Natasha hesitated, “When I was in the Red Room, there was a rumor about this practice old practice they were going to re-enact. They never did, because it was too harsh, but we talked about it none the less. The practice was, an operative always had to make sure that their handler had a weapon, no matter what, even if it meant the operative giving up their only weapon. It was so the handler, if need be, could take out the operative if they needed to. To ensure the success of the mission.”  
  
Steve’s expression was one of realization as he understood why Natasha had been reluctant to tell Bucky. Clint, who had recently re-entered the room, shook his head, “They really did treat him like he was just another weapon.”  
  
Steve sighed, “I should go talk to him,” he said, standing up and walking through the apartment to Bucky’s room. He knocked on the closed door, but didn’t wait for Bucky to reply to open the door. He leaned against the doorframe, his eyes on Bucky, who sat on the edge of his bed, eyes focused on the wall in front of him.  
  
“I called myself a weapon before calling myself a man,” Bucky said without looking over, “Because HYDRA treated me like that was all I was. Just another tool for their use. Now that’s all I think of myself.”  
  
“You don’t need to explain yourself, Buck,” Steve said, moving into the room and shutting the door behind him. He leaned against the desk, still watching Bucky.  
  
“Then why do I feel like I need to?”  
  
“Because you’re human,” Steve said, “And you don’t want me to be worried about you.”  
  
Bucky gave a weak laugh, “I used to worry about you, you know.”  
  
Steve smiled, “Yeah, and now it’s my turn to worry.”  
  
"I'm sorry I gave you that look," Steve said to break the silence, "Sometimes I forget how much of an effect they had on you."  
  
"You don't have to explain yourself, Steve," Bucky joked, and Steve gave him a weak smile. Bucky returned the smile as best as he could before his face returned to it's normal emotionless mask, “Did Natasha explain the gun thing?” he asked, “It’s bothering me now.”  
  
“I don’t know, Bucky. I think maybe this is one you’re just going to have to worry about.”  
  
“You don’t get to make decisions for me, Steve. You’re not HYDRA,” Bucky said dryly.  
  
Steve sighed, knowing there was no way he could argue against that, “There was an old Soviet practice where an operative had to make sure that their handler always had a weapon, no matter what,”  
  
“Why?” Bucky asked when Steve didn’t continue.  
  
“So that the handler could take out the operative if the success of the mission needed it,” Steve finished.  
  
For a moment, Bucky’s face betrayed emotion before he was able to cover them with his blank expression. He wasn’t supposed to do it, he was supposed to let himself feel emotions but he was still working on that. Steve had, of course, been watching and had seen the expression flash across Bucky’s face. “You’re allowed to feel, Bucky,” Steve said.  
  
“I don’t have anything to feel,” Bucky replied fixing his eyes on the wall in front of him again.  
  
“You’re lying,” Steve stated, noting how hard Bucky was gripping the edge of his bed. Bucky nodded in response and Steve uncrossed his arms, pulling out another trick that Bucky’s therapist had taught him, “I feel angry because my best friend was treated like he was less than human, like he had no worth, for the majority of his life.”  
  
Bucky nodded again, and was silent for a moment, “What does betrayal feel like?”  
  
Steve thought for a while before answering, “It feels like disappointment and red-hot anger all mixed into one,” he said finally.  
  
Once again, Bucky nodded and that was enough of an answer for Steve, “Why do you feel betrayed?” he asked. “Because I only ever did things that they wanted, yet they treated me like I wasn’t worth anything,” Bucky answered, his words quiet, “I trusted- no, that’s not the right word, I didn’t know what trust was. I expected them to keep me alive, when really they didn’t care about my life.”  
  
“That’s understandable, you expected them to do something and they did the opposite” Steve said. Just one more thing that Bucky’s therapist had taught him, validating emotions.  
  
“I’m not supposed to be in my room if I’m not sleeping,” Bucky stated.  
  
Steve smiled at Bucky’s thinly veiled attempt to escape this conversation, “Do you want to go back to the others?”  
  
“Sure,” Bucky replied automatically. He didn’t like having to make choices.  
  
“Are you sure?” Steve asked, sensing something in Bucky’s voice, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”  
  
Bucky hesitated, “I want to,” replied, realizing how unsure his voice sounded. He found it strange how easily his emotions showed now that he was no longer the asset.  
  
“I don’t think you do,” Steve replied, “What do you want to do?”  
  
He was kind of relieved that Steve understood what was going on, that he was able to recognize Bucky’s inability to say no, but at the same time he was anxious with the decision that faced him. After some thought he made a decision, “I think I’m going to go read,” he said.  
  
“Alright,” Steve said, happy to see Bucky making decisions, and they parted ways.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this](http://avengers-assemble-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/108189646107/29) tumblr post


End file.
